I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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