my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
