i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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