An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
