I wish my penis had an off switch
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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