Sober January is a disaster.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
