I faked an abortion last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
false alarm, still single
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
