I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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