I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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