Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
