I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
