yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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