we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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