she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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