Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
