This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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