I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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