It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
