Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
