I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
