Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
