Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
