Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
