whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
