In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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