Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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