I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
