I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
