could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
