That's when you crack a 10am beer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
