Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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