Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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