I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
