Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
