Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
