Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
