So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
