I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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