are you still at the devil's house?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
