At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
