Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
