The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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