girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
