Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
