mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
