Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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