U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
