So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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