I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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