i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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