fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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