there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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