just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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