No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
