I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
