And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
