from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
